You’re the Child in Charge—and the Emotions Can Be Overwhelming!

Dear Mr. Miller:

My mother passed away recently, and I have been named the Successor Trustee of her trust. I expected to be sad after losing her, but I never expected to feel so overwhelmed.

Everyone seems to have advice. My brother wants to know when he will receive his inheritance. My sister thinks we should clean out the house immediately. Friends tell me I do not need an attorney because their family handled everything themselves. I am afraid of making a mistake and letting everyone down.

Is it normal to feel this way? Where do I even begin?

Suddenly in Charge

When Grief Meets Responsibility
You Do Not Have to Know Everything Today
Everyone Has Advice
Start With What Matters Most
One Step at a Time
Call Us
A Helpful First-Step Checklist

Dear Suddenly in Charge:

The funeral is over. The relatives have gone home. The casseroles have stopped arriving.

Then you begin making telephone calls.

Of course, you do not actually get very far on the first call. You leave a message explaining that your mother has died, that you are the Successor Trustee, and that you want to know how to get access to the checking account or the life insurance money. You may even wonder whether you can still sign checks and pay bills under the power of attorney.

Then the telephone rings.

The bank wants paperwork. The insurance company has forms to complete. Your brother wants to know when everyone will receive their inheritance. You have not even had time to process the fact that your mother is gone.  Feeling overwhelmed? A checklist may help you get started. See below.

When Grief Meets Responsibility: First, let me assure you that what you are feeling is completely normal. Nearly every Successor Trustee I have worked with over the years has felt much the same way.

When a parent dies, you are expected to grieve the loss of someone you love while, at the same time, taking on a job you have probably never performed before. Bills arrive. Financial institutions need information. Family members have questions. It can feel as though there is no time to simply be a son or daughter.

You Do Not Have to Know Everything Today: One of the greatest sources of stress is the fear of making a mistake. That concern is actually healthy. It means you appreciate the responsibility that has been entrusted to you.
The good news is that you do not have to know all the answers on the first day.
It may help to begin with a basic understanding of what a Successor Trustee is expected to do.

Everyone Has Advice: You also mentioned that everyone has advice. That observation made me smile because I have seen it hundreds of times. Almost everyone offering advice is well meaning. Unfortunately, not everyone is right.

I have often shared one simple rule with clients: Do not get your legal advice from the CPA, your medical advice from the notary public, or your tax advice from the real estate broker.
Every profession has its own area of expertise. The best decisions are made when you ask the right professional the right question.

Remember, every family is different. Every trust is different. Every estate is different. What worked for your neighbor, your cousin, or a friend may not be appropriate for your situation.

Start With What Matters Most: Most importantly, give yourself permission to slow down.

A Successor Trustee may have many responsibilities, but they do not all have to be completed at the same time. We begin by identifying the matters that are truly important or urgent and take care of those first. The remaining tasks can wait their turn.

With a few exceptions, very few trust administration decisions must be made immediately. Take time to become organized, gather information, read the trust, and seek good professional advice before making important decisions.

One Step at a Time: Trust administration is a process, not a single event. It becomes much more manageable when approached one step at a time.

You are not expected to know everything. You are expected to act carefully, honestly, and thoughtfully. If you do that—and ask for help when you need it—you will be well on your way to honoring your mother’s wishes.

Call Us: If you have questions or concerns about settling an estate or administering a trust, you are welcome to call our office at 760-436-8832.
Until next time, remember that good planning protects families, and good information helps families make better decisions.

A Helpful First-Step Checklist:  If you have recently become responsible for administering a California trust or estate, I have prepared a complimentary checklist covering the first steps to take, common mistakes to avoid, and practical suggestions to help you become organized. Simply email us at merv@aboutlivingtrusts.com and I will be happy to send you a copy.